


I Can't Stand Myself

by Neffectual



Series: 104 Reasons to Stay Alive [9]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Loss, Loss of Limbs, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Strength, learning to cope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-22
Updated: 2014-07-22
Packaged: 2018-02-09 22:17:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2000019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neffectual/pseuds/Neffectual
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Erwin loses his arm, he discovers that his limb might not be the only loss he has to contend with.</p><p>Trigger Warning: Erwin has a lot of negative thoughts and associations about his own disability. Ableist language used by Erwin to describe himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can't Stand Myself

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thirteendaze (Thirteenthesiac)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thirteenthesiac/gifts).



> For Rae, my Levi. Because you truly are the strongest person I know, and the greatest. I owe you more than I can ever repay, and love you more than words can express.

_I can't stand myself_  
 _I can't even stand on my own feet_  
 _But momma told me_  
 _Don't let go the ground_  
 _Somebody hold me  
_ _Hold me down_

 

As Erwin dangles from his arm, feeling the muscle tear and the bone snap, he closes his eyes and waits for death, knowing that, soon, the pain will all be over. He mouths a silent apology to Levi, who would have done everything he could to save him, had he been there, had he had the chance, and gives his last orders, hoping his voice doesn’t crack too obviously. He’s afraid, of course he’s afraid, he’s terrified that this is the end, terrified that it will be slow and painful, but most of all, terrified what this will do to Levi. Frightened what Levi will do when he doesn’t return, and just who will be there to comfort him. With that as his last, melancholy thought, everything begins to fade to merciful, painless black.

He wakes in the hospital, and stares up at the ceiling for a while, wondering how and why he is alive, why he has been spared – and why he is alone. Every footstep near his door makes him sit up, ready to smile, ready to be berated, ready for Levi to stalk in like he hasn’t missed him, but every time, it’s another nurse, another dignitary, someone coming to compare notes. He waits all day, drifting in and out of consciousness, but Levi never comes, and Erwin bites his lip and reaches to adjust a cuff he no longer needs. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, moving his left hand back to lie uselessly by his side. He returns his gaze to the ceiling, and lets his eyes close. Sleep comes, a welcoming blanket, and he lets it wash over him, and dreams of showing Levi the stars.

He wakes again, same room, same position, but there is a shadow by the door which shouldn’t be there.  
“Wh – who’s there?” he croaks, and the figure goes to the jug on the nightstand, pours a glass of water and hands it to him, silently. Erwin drinks gratefully, then looks up. The mysterious figure is gone, but he would swear he can smell polish and soap, and he breathes that scent in desperately, as if doing so will bring Levi back to him. Levi, who must be so disgusted with him like this, Levi, who is so tired of him that he cannot visit in daylight, and will not speak to him. He flings the glass across the room and the listens to it shatter, the bustle of the nurses around him, the scolding of the doctor, and all of it brushes over him like water off a leaf, because Levi was here, Levi was here – and now he’s gone.

The second he’s discharged, he strides to Levi’s room, balance off, unable to use his shoulders to express his movement quite so well now that he’s uneven, lopsided, and keeps catching the stump on doorways. He knocks, sharply, not their knock, but the knock of a commander, and Levi opens the door a crack.  
“Oh, Commander.” he says, and nothing else, does not make eye contact, staring over Erwin’s left shoulder at a point behind him, “Was there something you wanted?”  
You, Erwin doesn’t say, you, your arms around me, the knowledge that you still love me, even like this, that you still want me, that I’m not a worthless cripple to you.  
“Just wanted to see that you were alright, Captain.” he responds, smile tight and false, stretched over his mouth. His arm itches, the wrong one, and he knows that this phantom pain will vanish soon, but thinks it’s telling that the arm which is missing is the one which knew Levi most intimately, as well as knowing the use of a pen.  
“Of course, sir.” Levi says, and pauses, “Was there anything else?”  
“I – I just.... No.” Erwin says, struggling against the lump in his throat, “I’ll see you at dinner.”  
Levi smiles before he shuts the door; a tired, broken smile, and Erwin knows this is his fault. He takes dinner in his rooms that night, and practises buttoning his shirt with one hand. He tries to fool himself that this is what he wanted to do anyway.

When Erwin next bumps into Levi, the commander’s shirt is half-open, buttoned wrong, and his bolo tie has been flung at the door, just inches from where Levi’s head now is.  
“You need a batman.” Levi says, calmly, as if his eyes weren’t nearly taken out by a ballistic accessory.  
“Why, are you volunteering?” Erwin snaps, because this is too much; he remembers nights of slow romance, Levi’s hands on the buttons, Levi’s hands on his skin, and how the smaller man seemed to take pleasure in undressing him, and then putting him back together afterwards.  
“I only meant – ” Levi replies, and there’s well-hidden hurt in his voice, hurt which Erwin hates himself for putting there.  
“I don’t need help.” Erwin states, and stares Levi down, daring him to argue.  
There’s a silence in which Levi looks him up and down, and there’s no heat in that, no lust, no want, just pity, and Erwin can’t stand it anymore, can’t stand to see his lover pity him, of all things.  
“I’ll find someone suitable.” Levi says, at last, “You’ve got ten minutes before you’re needed for inspection.” He shuts the door, and Erwin screams in frustration, a roar of sound, and as he crumples onto the bed, realises he is crying. It seems that some things are just too much to bear.

Inspection goes as well as is expected, Erwin snappish and aggressive, the troops desperately trying not to stare at his deformity. Normally, Levi at his shoulder would make him feel better, calmer, but Erwin has never felt more alone, his right shirtsleeve flapping in the breeze. He makes a note to take a knife to the offending garment later that day, and stalks away from the recruits. His arm hurts, aches, the wound still too fresh and sore for being out in the cold air, and he does not want them to see him in pain, do not want them to see his weakness. Levi follows him.  
“What?” Erwin roars, whirling around to face his smaller subordinate, and Levi takes a step back, “What is it now?”  
“I thought you might want company.” Levi says, quietly, arms wrapped around himself, and looks away, “But I can see you’re not in the mood.”  
“I don’t need your pity.” Erwin spits, and carries on back to his office, ignoring the burn of his ruined arm, and the sting of tears in his eyes. He thinks he hears a sob from behind him, but knows he can not be right. People like Levi don’t cry over people like him. 

When Erwin is finally done scrawling barely legible signatures onto paperwork with his left hand, it is late, his back and shoulders are tense from holding his weight poorly, and his eyes are drooping. So it’s a surprise to walk into his quarters and see Levi, fully dressed, seated on the bed, waiting for him.  
“I’m exhausted.” Erwin says, and knows his voice is heavy with pain.  
“So come and lie down.” Levi murmurs, and stands to help Erwin out of his clothes. The taller man lets him, because everything hurts too much to protest, and he pretends not to notice when Levi sucks in a breath as the ugliness of the stump is revealed.  
“Still healing.” He says, carefully, and Levi just hums an agreement and rises on his toes to kiss him.  
“Still beautiful,” he whispers, and Erwin laughs, a broken, choked-off sound, “Still so, so beautiful.”  
“Flatterer.” Erwin says, voice cracking at the end.  
“Is it still flattery if it’s true?” Levi asks, and then kisses him again, without waiting for an answer, “Come to bed, you old fool.”  
For once, Erwin does what he’s told, letting go of Levi only to let the smaller man undress, before pulling that lithe body to him and clutching at Levi like a lifeline.  
“I’m not going anywhere.” Levi says, kissing his right shoulder, and Erwin might just believe him. 

The next week is hard for Erwin, every inch of him aching and unable to unwind, and he snaps more than he wants to. Eventually, he returns to his rooms to stare at the ceiling, and Levi joins him after a little while.  
“Do you miss the man I was?” Erwin asks, clearly having given some thought to this. Levi looks taken aback.  
“You’re still the same man.” Levi says, puzzled, “Nothing’s changed you.”  
“I’m a fucking cripple!” Erwin roars, sitting up. Levi presses him back down easily, Erwin too tired and sore to fight, “How the fuck could anyone love me like this?”  
“I love you.” Levi says, voice low and heavy with meaning, “Don’t you dare tell me how I feel about you, Erwin Smith, don’t you dare.”  
Erwin scrabbles for reasoning in this.  
“You didn’t come to see me in the hospital.”  
“I came once.” Levi murmurs, and the sound is loud against the quiet of the night, “You don’t remember?”  
Erwin scoffs at that, vicious and hurtful.  
“You didn’t speak to me.” He says, voice low.  
Levi whirls around to look at him for the first time since he entered the room.  
“Because it fucking hurts to see you like this! Do you think it’s easy for me to watch you be in pain? Do you think I don’t have a fucking heart?”  
Levi’s voice breaks, and Erwin watches as he heaves in a breath, before letting out a choked sob.  
“I’m the one who has to live like this.” Erwin says, gesturing to what remains of his arm.  
“I know. I know, and it’s selfish, and I hate it, but I can’t fucking watch you hate yourself like this.” Levi spits out, and the tears are falling now, fast and hard, “I can’t just sit by and watch you hate yourself. There is so much good in you, Erwin Smith, more good than most men, and you are more than one arm. You fucking gave orders, orders when you thought you were dying. And I wasn’t there to stop it.”  
Erwin sits up, and this time, Levi lets him. It’s an awkward shuffle to the edge of the bed to put his arm around Levi and draw him close, to kiss his neck and the back of his ear.  
“You’re injured, too.” he says, quietly, “And I’m glad you didn’t have to see what happened to me.”  
“You would spare me watching you die, but make me watch you hate living?” Levi says, darkly, and shakes his head, “Oh, no, you don’t get out of this like that. In sickness and in health, remember?”  
“That wasn’t legal – ”  
“But you said that didn’t matter.” Levi reminds him, pulling out the chain with the ring on it which he never takes off, “We said forever, and I don’t know about you, but I meant it. For better, for worse.”  
Erwin pulls his lover closer and feels Levi’s presence soothe the hurt away.

When they make love, now, it’s different, more awkward, and the number of times Erwin reaches for something with the arm he no longer has if almost obscene, almost as obscene as the way Levi slides to his knees and licks his lips. Balance is an issue, with Levi’s bad leg and Erwin’s missing arm, but there are a few positions which are easy enough, and one night Erwin is even in a good enough mood to joke that it’s easier for them to cuddle with his missing arm not having to support Levi’s sleeping weight. Levi smacks him in the side for that, and Erwin proves that, one-handed or not, he can still win a tickle war.

They both know that these are the good days, and that the bad days will come, when Erwin will swear and throw things, when Levi will refuse to help him dress, when both of them will lose their patience and snap, snarling words, which neither of them means, at each other, and regretting them the second they say them. Erwin will still grieve the man he thought he was, and the man he was meant to be, and Levi will still grieve that his lover cannot see the potential he still holds. They know that this isn’t a fairytale ending, this isn’t happily ever after, but it’s a step by step process, day by day.  But they also know that they have each other, that they have each other to lean on, to learn from, and to love. Apart, they are nothing, but together – together they both become whole.

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty personal to me; I'm disabled, and for a long time it was very evident, and we were in the hospital every week, I was collapsing, seizing, forgetting who I was, and struggling desperately to try and find some desire to live. I was nineteen, and my world had just ended. And my girl struggled alongside me every day, and struggles still, keeps me propped up, makes me see the doctor, makes me take my meds, holds me up when walking is too hard. This is a reminder that it's bloody difficult for the carer, too.
> 
> Learning how to have sex when just someone brushing past me was painful was an education I would rather have avoided, and now, I'm having ovary issues. This means arousal itself is physically painful for me. Working around a disability is hard, and whilst I may not have lost a limb, I lost a lot of autonomy when I became ill. This is... a taster of what our life is like when I'm having a bad day. This is what Rae has to cope with every day, as I face the weaknesses which my body cages me with. If I expressed even a fraction of this, then this story wasn't a waste of everyone's time.
> 
> My illness steals everything; my friends, my family, my movement, my happiness - but it will never take her away from me.


End file.
